8. Panic
back into the dreadful pool
I’m thrown like
when I was five
I couldn’t breathe immediately
I screamed underwater but
nobody heard
it felt like hours before
my dad pulled me out
now everything feels like
that water
swirling, swirling
swirling
my head’s an ocean
overflowing
out of my ears and my nose
it drips, it pours, it flows
it won’t stop swirling
I can’t see
try to find my footing, slipping
in the endless ocean
til it buries me in waves of uncertainty
it’s almost comforting to feel nothing
then my head bursts forth out of the water
and I can breathe again
and it hits me
that I don’t know where I’m going
or who or what I am
I’m running on the interstate
trucks honk, cars swerve
I keep my footing
hope my sneakers don’t get muddy
I bought them yesterday.
I’m falling into pages of my favorite book
falling, falling
head-first, hitting ground that’s strangely spongy
I think I must be Alice
but it’s not Wonderland I’m falling
into
It’s echos of your words
the ground is covered in them
the pages of my diary look suddenly so silly
fourth grade tears on rusty swings and
first-kiss dares and
sixth grade “but I thought he loved me”
but your words are so much more than merry-go-rounds and
ice cream trucks
prom dresses and blue makeup and
I know that I’ve grown up somehow
but growing up just feels like panic
an IV sucking the life out of me
scream for help, no one can hear
try to rip it out and it sinks deeper
there are teeth gnawing on my arm
there are snakes strangling my neck
there are fires right under my feet
there are words whispered in my ear
it all must be a dream
it all must be a dream
it all must be a dream
the pills say, it’s just a dream