14. Envy
the urge to look back
to sit two chairs over with dark shades and a headwrap
the need to know it all
to put you in a box and lock it up
nagging, prying
eating up my insides
sneaks in when I don’t notice
then strikes in a moment when
I don’t expect it
it’s like a fox in the night that
hides in my garage
creeps into my pantry
when I’m so happy and
I look over and you’re
laughing with
Somebody Else
it’s like a heart attack
like the envy’s been there all along
and I’ve just never noticed
Envy is really good at
keeping me up at night
she’s really good at dumping out
well-organized file cabinets
in my head
setting fire to rationality
putting lies in pretty landscapes
so they’re beautiful to look at
and easy to believe.
Envy blames the innocent for my issues
hates ones who don’t deserve it
obliterates the ones who do
forces cruel words out of my mouth
indigestion
stains the only good things my life
has preserved for me
I try to kill her off with
poison and with logic
with kind words
forced out of my lips
and with what they call
unconditional love ?
but Envy seems to win me over by
the end of the day
it’s quite unfair
but I’m too weak to
fight off such a wicked disease
and Somebody Else’s presence being
sweeter
kinder
prettier
more talented
more loving
more desirable than me
Envy convinces me of these things
and I clench, strangle
the one I love
til he slips away
and DOES go back to Somebody Else
self-fulfilling prophecy
my bedroom mocks me in the dark
because I’m not even left with
the chance to blame him
but I can blame my Envy
and myself for not being strong enough.
Envy sets me bear traps that
I somehow cannot see
and I fall into her giant spiderwebs
that leave me sticky and useless
and with the striking inability to love
I’m lost in vines that tangle me
constricting like they’re live snakes
I’m struck that I may never escape
I struggle,
useless
helpless
scarred and
tangled.