25. Apathy
you can look up at the sky
you can soak in the beauty
you can imagine what it would be like
to float up there, just you and I
soft kisses and gentle despair
but you won’t, you can’t
find it in yourself to even think
of me
and even
if you did come back
to me
you’d find a useless
human being.
working hands and feet,
can walk and play the guitar
can’t feel the love you used
to declare for me
can’t feel the love that used to
encompass every facet of my body.
I used to be discontent and endlessly
searching for affirmation that was just disguised
as redemption.
now fate has snatched away
even discontentment from me
not allowed to feel
not allowed to be the one thing
I am
which is a breathing
being
I’m transparent,
unfeeling,
unknowing,
unseeing,
no one sees because
there’s nothing to see.
pain is like a dull knife
that tries to jab
I’m numbed by needles and
I see the blood seeping through my
white dress
dripping to the wood floors
don’t feel a thing
some might say that’s a gift
a superhero power, even
I see it as a curse.
to feel is only what
makes humans humans
and yet, I am such a void
I find it hard to care even
about my lack of feeling
like life is just a period at the end of the prose
nothing left to wonder,
nothing left to know.
why did I let anybody get in the way
of who I said I was?
the demise of me was
only because of you
but I let it happen, so
that makes me no better.
I sometimes catch an inkling
of a feeling trying so hard
to burst through the glass that
encases my heart
like the feelings can see it, but
just can’t reach it.
oh, what frustration they must feel.
I think that clouds are pretty, still
when they’re grey
I am a soul that will never understand
what it means to be alive
again
if passion makes a soul
if pain makes a soul
if love makes a soul,
I am no soul.
I am only what you have made me to be
a dying rose in an empty vase
an empty ship in a cruel sea
sleek white paint on a sheet of paper
a hollow knock on a hollow door.